I know EXACTLY what ur thinking....

1) You think I'm a lier: You're absolutely right. I AM a lier. But I lie more to myself than to you and everyone else. So it stops today.

2) You think I think you're awful: I don't think anyone's awful. I try to look at what's good in a person. I hate that about myself. Oh and if I ever thought you were awful believe me you'd be the 1st to know. But I do think you're spineless and right now I am angry and sad.

3) You think I tell them everything you tell me: I don't tell them ANYTHING you tell me. I don't tell you ANYTHING they tell me.

4) You don't respect me: I understand that. I screwed that up. You don't know me. I don't respect who I am around you. So I understand that.

5) You don't like me: Haha I don't like myself when I'm around you. Don't expect anything more from you.

6) You think I don't like you: You're absolutely right. I don't like pretenders. I can't stand fake. And that's exactly what you are. You PRETEND to be my friend :) and you think I don't know. lols. I have no space for pretense. So I guess this is goodbye.

Running Away....

So my friend Shehan thinks I should try and talk about my life with ppl a little bit more :) I think he's right...I keep even the best of my friends from what goes on in my life...mostly 'cos I don't want ANYONE asking questions :) I know that's not fair but I've been like that since my radical break up some years ago...reason?? I don't know. Let me see.... I lost a lotta my so called friends after the break up...lols...I can't believe I'm still mad about that...well I am...best friends are supposed to stick together and mine.....well they took HIS side....classic story.... and I did the pathetic thing of trying to EXPLAIN my actions to them...still kinda hate myself for doing that.... :)

During my whole relationship I went through a complete identity crisis. I was one person with my guy and someone else when he wasn't around...I felt so disjointed and still do.... I guess you don't simply walk away from that shit...it's been more than 3 years now...wow...I wish I could hate him...but for some awful messed up reason I can't...It's true about your 1st love...you never really walk away....no matter how bad it was....

I was ashamed of the person he wanted me to be....I think I'm still ashamed of myself...shame is the worst enemy of healing... So I'm letting it slowly and steadily eat up my life :) I try to run away not realizing its something inside of me that I can't run away from. I try to psycho analyze myself except I always land at the same place where I started off...Knowing what the problem is without any solutions... What makes it even worse is that I still believe that he never inderstood he was doing that to me...god that's gotta count for an insanity plea...lols

So I'm running again...the ever depressed never understood individual...I'm running....hoping I can hide this shame inside of me...moving countries, continents, people...I can only pray....

Pissed....

I am pissed with my co-worker...I'd like to say friend :) but I highly doubt that he considers me to be a friend...lols no idea why though....he has some serious issues!!!! I just asked him for some information and he thinks I'm 'inquisitive'.... haha...lols ofcourse I'm inquisitive...the info concerns me in a way...sigh...I hate conflicts...anyways...I'm tired of this job and these ppl :) I know that sounds awful...bit I can't help it...I feel a little lost every single time I am at work...I hate that feeling....and worse I carry it to other parts of my life...like my friends...I want some normalcy back in my life...I don't like what I'm doing... actually that's not right...I DIDN'T like what I am doing and then I learnt it...and now I actually DO love what I do :) But it's a little too late to change people's impressions....not sure I wanna try :P

and moments like these make me even more frustrated...lols....they should have punching bags at work...whoever said that if it seems like you're doing something wrong it's more probable that you're doing the wrong thing was spot on :)

Perfection is Imperfect

Don't you think perfection is very subjective? What's perfect for you won't be perfect for me... We all have our own nuances about what is ideal. Sometimes perfection changes with time, with emotions, with life. When Zuze Z3, the 1st computer was built people assumed that it was the best invention ever, in spite of it fitting into only a large room. Now there are Micros, Minis and tablets. You might think the perfect night would be to spend dancing the night away on a couple of tequilas. I'd rather cook dinner peacefully at home and invite some friends over. The perfect trip would be to Vegas or maybe to the Grand Canyon. The perfect moment might be walking in the freezing rain without an umberella or maybe falling over and over on ice trying to learn how to skate.

Maybe it's the imperfection of these moments that makes it perfect. Perfect for us..for me... Maybe somewhere deep down we know that we'rent perfect and we learn to accept those imperfections. Maybe we learn to maybe appreciate and even love those imperfections. Maybe with time we realize that it's not about time afterall.... it's about how much of yourself you learn to accept and how much you grow within that time...

Maybe that's what makes life beautiful...our perception of it...the way we choose to live it...All I can say is I'm thankful for the imperfections...Imperfect in its perfection.....

laughing the shit off......

ya ya....i'm a sucker for optimism......pesimism??not that i don't try....i do.....believe me.....every single time da lights go out in da middle of a good movie i try to curse.....every time i lose my footing climbing the rocks....i try to curse.....no not really.....i've realized that my default reaction to pain has always become a laugh .....gosh i hope that's not abnormal.....don't wanna be in da luny bin ya know.....

The concept of smiling through your tears......it's not easy believe me.....you train yourself.....before the physical pain from your body or heart reaches your mind.....you stop it.....you flip it around.....you laugh......i fell on my butt so many times climbing last month...(some trecking i did) and each time sucked now that i think about it....and my butt hurt so bad and it was bruised for days......but then if you let it get to you.....you stop climbing.....you give up......you let the pain get to you.....instead you get up....(maybe have a good buddy to lend a hand) and you crack a joke about being a clumsy mutt and you carry on.....even whistle to yourslef.....after sometime.....you just stop feeling it..... (until the next time you take a warm bath that is)

I've realized a little fact.....you can only feel something if you let yourself......it's bull shit when people say they were out of control.....you and only you are in control of yourself.....noone holds the remote control of us......we have the batteries, the buttons...the works......it's always upto us to chose......do i let the shit to hit me......or do i bat the shit back to where it came from.....lemme see....

God of small things......

A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends, and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves, and shattered shields when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! For all that you hold dear, on this good earth, I bit you stand.........

that's my favourite quote from LOTR.....every second in life we're tested.....our will to live....to survive even......our strength to beat all odds and writhe our way back to life.......the so called light at the end of da tunnel...... your faith is tested....your faith in what is right.....what is true and what is strong...... your love is tested...... you strength to forgive..... your will to forget.....your strength.......you are tested not by mere man......but something greater.....not god.....something tangible.....something real....... a shadow that stands next to you and wispers in your ear.....this isn't right....and you know it.....a silent touch right next to your heart that speaks......you are better than that....... a little prayer that never intends to touch heaven.....but simply the earth that gives life to life....

Alchemist.......if you want something really badly.....the whole universe conspires you to get it.....but let me tell you this......if you don't want something atall and you keep it anyways.....the universe conspires for you to lose it........

Crying my heart out..........

ok this is gna be da f'in most sad blog i would have ever written..............so i cried........it was coming...............everything's been adding upto this..............but what did it was me calling one of my friends an idiot and him thinking i actually meant it!!!! oh my god......that's amazingly SAD!!! you expect your friends to know you.............atleast to the extent of to take you lightly when you are meant to be taken lightly..............he broke my heart..........SAD again.....when ur depressed and da whole world is crashing on you there's nothing that's comforting i guess.......and just to think it was only last week i was walking thro snow and heaven............smiling like a mad woman and living every second..............i don't ever ever wanna cry again..............is it so hard to be happy? i don't ask for much just some peace......hard earned peace.............and it's bull shit.........you don't really feel better after bawling ur eyes out...........didn't expect to........bin there done that............